where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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