just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize