woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
