FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
