anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
