I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
