Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
