If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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