Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
