Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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