if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
