You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
