tonight lets celebrate not being married
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
