dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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