after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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