First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
