I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
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I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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