I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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