I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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