people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have already put on my inside pants.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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