I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
