I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
