She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
