I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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