I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
