i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
