She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
