ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
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