Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He? As in you personified your dick?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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