when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
