if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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