Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
