woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
