Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
