My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
