I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
