I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
