Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask