Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
