it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
