You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
