Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
