well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
