i don't like sucking hair
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
