T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
