Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
