My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
