o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
