dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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