Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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