We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm so fucking centered right now
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
