if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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