WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
