Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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