nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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