Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
