textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
