My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We are all done wearing pants today
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
