so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
