i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
