She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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