I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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