Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
