You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
